#301
Rimmi and EM make out w/ passion! nt
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
v
#302
{Pulls up next to Ortega & Lita}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{Rolls down window}
You two love birds could us a little music. You see the bad thing about this van that I have came with a crappy 8 track player. I have since replaced it with a CD player & large powered subwoofers. I would like to play you two a song on full blast.
Here it goes. IT'S "OWNER OF A LONELY HEART" BY YES!
Enjoy!
#303
Rimmi and EM laugh at Lita and Ortega nt
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
v
#304
Mickey: Ortega! Put that down!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
I'm realy sorry about this Lita, I realy am.
Lita: Sure you are, pervert. (Gets out of the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik)
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn ernnnnnn errnn ernn ernnnnnnn ernnn!
Mickey: I don't care. Get back on your motorcycle. We're behind.
(to be continued)
#305
Rimmi: Evil Mike, did you hear that?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
EM: Huh? I can't hear you?
Rimmi: What? <sees BOG pass by and sees his pulsating woofers> You'll pay for this! You'll be sorry! You'll.... I'l have to get back to you when I'm done making out with Evil Mike.
#306
<Lita's eyes well up>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<Her lower lip starts to quiver, and then…>
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ortega: Errnn? Eeeerrrrn?
Lita: Rimmer's st-stealing m-my M-Mikey!!! Aaaaaaaahhhhh!
Ortega: Errn Ern!
Lita: D-don't t-tell m-me to s-shut up! *sob* I'm really upset! Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!
<Ortega shakes his head and wanders off somewhere. Lita sits on the ground and cries loudly.>
Lita: H-he's s-so y-young and innocent! *sniff* H-how c-can he b-be expected to r-resist some P*hic*Painted Jezebel!
*weep*
#307
Mickey: Oh, and B.O.G.?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
(takes out a gun and shoots the stereo)
Mickey: Owner of a lonely DEATH!!!
(to be continued)
#308
"Owner of a Lonely Heart"
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Check it out! This stereo cranks up to 11!
#309
"Owner of a Lonely {BANG!!}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
You-you shot my stereo! You've also deflated ROVER! That's it! Lucinda, puncture Mickey's tires with your pitchfork!
#310
All right. Enough of that.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Lita wipes her eyes and gets up.>
Spidey! Come!
<Spidey walks over to Lita. She climbs in. She and Spidey approach Rimmer's rocking car. Mrs. Hargrove is smoking disinterestedly outside. Lita climbs out of Spidey, jerks open Rimmer's door and pulls her out.>
Rimmer: Ack!
Lita: Eat it, bitch!
EM: Right on! I love a good girl fight!
<Lita and Rimmer start wrestling right there.>
Rimmer: Leggo my hair!
Lita: Leggo my man!
EM: I wish there were some mud around... Oh well. This will have to do.
<Evil Mike grabs a convenient nearby bucket of water, and throws it on the girls, then climbs up into Spidey for a better view of the rest of the fight. Many racers take this opportunity to pass Lita and Rimmer.>
Lita: Kiss my man, will you?
Rimmer: Yaarg!
#311
Good!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
I'll be many miles ahead while those two go at it!
MWAHAHA!
#312
Yaargh!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Yaargh!
#313
Officer Ortega: Errrrrr
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!
Mickey: Oh, shutup, you weren't getting any. Now...(POP) Now what?
(Looks out window)
Mickey: Hey, she can't do that. Can she do that? (checks rule book) page 27 (turns to page 27 where in big bold letters it says YES SHE CAN)
Mickey: Damn. Ortega, come here. It's time to learn how to change a tire.
(to be continued)
#314
Ugh. Sorry Rimms.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Lita: It's really fun kicking your lopsided ass, and all--
Rimmer: Excuse me? I'm kicking your ass!
Lita: But I have to go run a race. So I'm leaving now.
Rimmer: Oh! Give up, eh?
Lita: Shut up.
Rimmer: Yaargh?
<Lita gets back into Spidey, leaving Rimmer to her own devices. Lita and Evil Mike get going once again.>
EM: So. Lita.
Lita: So. Evil Mike.
<long silence.>
EM: You've got a big bruise right about...
Lita: I don't want to hear it.
<long silence>
EM: So. What are we going to do now?
Lita: We're going to go find grandmapa and smoosh him.
EM: But I don't want to smooch grandmapa!
Lita: I said smoosh! You've done quite enough smooching already, young man!
EM: Heh heh heh...
Lita: Anyway, you'll probably enjoy this. I know you've wanted to punch gramps for a really long time.
EM: You're gonna let me punch him?
Lita: We'll see.
<Spidey approaches the prune car, menacingly. Lita starts pelting it with spider coconuts. Lots and lots of tarantulas start swarming all over gramps' car, and they don't seem too happy with him.>
#315
Lopsided ass? I think not!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Well, okay, you did get one good ass kick in so one cheek is swelling. Heh heh heh.... but at least I ripped out a large chuck of Lita's hair!!!! That bald bitch will never capture Mike's evil heart like I have.
<Rimmi puts an ice pack on the seat and continues racing>
#316
Pumaman sticks out his ass...
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
...whew! Almost didn't make that turn with Boss Hogg hanging on. Luckily throwing all those Tasty Kakes at Schmoe's big car created a diversion and ole Boss Hogg fell off. Heh heh, not to mention Schmoe stopped to picked up the peanut butter ones. YUM!
Put your shirt down Angel Slut! I have only eyes for Pumaman's jigglies, nothing can distract me!!! Oh, a pretty flower.
Now I shall create a big black smoke screen..... Awaaaaayy!!
#317
(Lita, do you watch Buffy the vampire
Date: 09/01/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
slayer?)
#318
Cavey watches Eddy (evil Mike) take off.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
Looks like Eddy has taken off in the Time Chasers airplane...Look!! He's going back in time to stop himself from working in that cheese factory! Ahhh!
Pumaman NOOOOO!!! Pumaman just turned into a monkey! Damn you Evil Mike!!!
#319
Would you like to touch my monkey?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
Dang! Atleast I could have a pretty decent conversation with PumaMan. Hmmm, well atleast he can still fly. Hmmmm, that gives me an idea.
Fly monkey Fly!!!!
#320
A flying monkey.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
What is this? The Wizard of Oz? Hmph. Well my gorilla can talk. Say something to Cavey & her monkey Bobo.
Bobo: Grunt.
B_O_G: Come on Bobo. You can do better than that!
Bobo: Grunt.
B_O_G: What's wrong Bobo. Why can't you speak? Oh no! Evil Mike must have done something to the space time continuum! Bobo has de-evolved!
{A paniced B_O_G searches around his van to see if anything else has changed.}
B_O_G: Steffi. Steffi, are you back there? Oh no! She's gone as well!
#321
Mickey (Laughs menacingly)
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
I'm in first! I'm in first! To whoever changed the space-time continuim, thanks. Oh, and Steffi? Well what a surprise. And Ortega's driving normal. Yep, seems fine to me. See everyone at the finish line, and don't forget (sniffs) Ortega! Hey that's not Ortega, (sniffs) that's me! What happened? Wait, a giant movie theater screen? The Full House theme song? I've been transported back to last night (and before I took my shower). Well, at least Steffi's with me. Suffer, B.O.G. (There's a giant flash, and everything's back to normal...for now). Ortega, are you finished with that tire, yet?
(to be continued)
#322
Comin' up from the end is...
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ServoTheGreat
SERVOTHEGREAT! Driving a his Rowsdower Mobile! It looks like he's heading for the front! Oh wait, his truck broke down. Damn, he's gotta fix it QUICK! Yes, I can see STG opening the hood and pooring all kinds of liqiour into the engine.
KABOOM!
Wow, that truck went up in a giant fireball! Ouch, looks like STG is already out of the race...
ServoTheGreat
"Ah, I need a napkin!"
#323
{Makes a list of changes}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Here's the situation....
Steffi the baby sitter: has turned up with Mickey
Bobo: Has de-evolved
Lucinda: ceased to exist
Killer sound system: has reverted back to an 8 track player
Well, at least I still have my laserblaster! SSSSOMBODY STOP ME!!! POW!! POW!!
#324
Huh? EM's still here.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
He is not, and never was, Eddie. He's that Evil Mike from another dimension. You know, like in episode… uh. Yeah, he's not Eddie.
<There is a sudden flash>
Hey! Why is Toblerone in my back seat?
Toblerone: HA HA HA HA! We will race, eh? HA HA HA HA!
Lita: Space time continuum, eh? Hey, Rimmer, want this guy? He's not especially tall, but he is dark. And Italian (apparently).
Toblerone: A woman is like a beautiful flower! Yes! HA HA HA HA!
EM: Hey, looks like all those spiders gunked up gramps' wheels. He's stuck! We can beat him up now!
<grandmapa steps out of the prune colored muscle car and, the hell? He's that rat chick from Escape 2000! And boy does he look confused!>
EM: At least he was already wearing a dress.
Lita: Neat!
Lita
(why, yes, Rimmer. I do. You noticed that, eh? ;))
#325
Officer Ortega: Ern-Ernnnn
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Mickey: FINALLY!
Steffi: Don't yell at him, he's just a kid. The ugliest kid I've ever seen, but a kid non...TAKE THAT CIGAR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!
(Ortega gets back on his motorcycle and Mickey opens the door of the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and Steffi gets in. Mickey sits down and revs the motor)
Mickey: Well, I guess I better take you home.
Steffi: What's the rush?
Mickey: Oh you want to...
Steffi: I'm not going home untill I get my 72 dollars and 18 cents.
Mickey: Excuse me?
Steffi: All day babysitting that damn monkey in that smelly-ass van. Now, I dont see B.O.G. around, so...
(Mickey reaches for his wallet and takes Steffi home.)
(to be continued)
#326
Arrrrg!!!!!! My crotch!!!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Stupid Rimmer!!!!! I'll-Owww!-get y-HOT!-ou!!! <coconuts are spilling into car> Coconuts? Yeowch!!!!! Wait, those are H-H-Hot!!!!!! Spider-filled coconuts!!!! And they smell like YOWZA!!! Lita! I'll get you too! Ouch!!!! Burn!!!! FPOTS!!!!!!!! <tons of pots rain down on Raisin, squashing the spiders and putting out the fire> {CLINK} {CLANK} {CLUNK} *clinkie*
Well, that worked! Even though I might have to wait for my "part" to heal before I can get this cough-fee out of my system! But, anyway, vengeance is mine!
Here you go, Rimmi!!! <waves magic walker and the Teletubbies are instantly warped into Rimmi's car> Watch out for that Tinky-Winky, I here he's a little freaky!!!
Now for Lita! Proceed with Crazy Blind Driving Granny Action!!! <trunk releases Gumby's granny on her jeep, without her glasses and her hands and feet taped to the accelerator and wheel> Wheeeeee!!!!! Get'm, Granny!!!
What's up with that Muppet?! Ah, heck, I'll get her, too!
<places plank with single nail jarring out in road> Oooo!!!
Scary!!!!!
And Cavey... gets a naked Donald Pleasance!!! <Donald Pleasance hangs on to flying monkey/Pumaman/whatever he is now>
Now on to the leaders, maybe...
grandmapa!
10:00 P.M. CST!
#327
{B_O_G pulls over}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Getting tired. Getting sleepy. I guess I'll call it a night.
{B_O_G sleeps in his van. He has a couple of ROVERS guarding it}
Good night
{BOB/BAND_OF_GYPSYS}
#328
Ahh! You fell for my other trap!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
I put foreign substances made by hippies in you and Evil Mike's food, so you both think Toblerone is in your back seat, and that chick is driving a muscle car, and that there really is a time-space continuum! I so smart!!!
By the way, here comes Granny!!!
grandmapa!
10:14 P.M. CST!
#329
Toblerone: The girl is babbling! HA HA!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
EM: Yeah. Rat-Girl seems to be having some trouble coming to grips with these alternate realities.
Lita: Hey, you know, some people go along with these things, some people don't. I'm sure if you found out you were Rat-Girl in your alternate reality, you'd be in denial too.
*bump*
Lita: Hey, what was that?
*bump*
Toblerone: It is the grandmother of Gumby! HA HA HA HA!
*bump*
Granny: Demon!
<Granny is in her jeep, repeatedly driving into Spidey's side.>
*bump*
Lita: She never did like me.
*bump*
Granny: Get out of that demon, you whore!
*bump*
Lita: I'm not doing that! She'll hit me with her cane again!
*bump*
Toblerone: The old lady has spirit! HA HA HA HA!
*bump*
EM: I think Spidey is getting annoyed.
*bu-
<Suddenly, Spidey, all fed up, plants a foot into the middle of Granny's jeep, immobilizing it, for the moment.>
Granny: AAAAAAAHHHH! DEMON!
Toblerone: I shall rescue this vixen! HA HA HA HA!
<Toblerone gets out of Spidey, and joins Granny in the jeep. Spidey removes his foot, and they drive off somewhere to be alone.>
Lita: Well, that's those two problems taken care of. But I wonder what Rimmie's gonna do for a boyfriend now.
EM: Eh, if there's a woman around, Toblerone will find her. I suspect Ass still has a shot.
Lita: Huh. Let's leave gramps to cope with his new body, shall we?
EM: Aren't we gonna beat him up?
Lita: It's not nice to hit a girl.
EM: You hit Ass.
Lita: Oh, shush.
#330
Meanwhile, back at Steffi's house
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Mickey: I can't believe it! That chick cleaned me out, and the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik is out of gas!
Officer Ortega: Errrrrrnnnnn!
Mickey: Well I guess I could siphon some out of her parents car. Ortega, go into the back and grab a straw.
Officer Ortega: Errnnn.
Mickey: Hey. Hold it Ortega. This is an armored car, which means (opens the back door) JACKPOT!!! Hey, this gives me an idea.
(to be continued)
#331
Outta my way!! HONK HONK!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
A sammich is a sammich but a Manwich is a meal!!
/a throws sloppy joes at the other racers!!
*SPLORP!* Splat!
You can't drive if you can't see! Eat freshly baked death!!
#332
*SPLORT!*
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Several sloppy joes hit Spidey right in the eyes. Unable to see, he crashes around, and finally slides into a crack under a big rock>
EM: Yipes! That was exciting. I'd think you would be able to steer, even if Spidey couldn't see. Now we're under a rock. What do we do?
Lita: Well, there's no reason to believe we're stuck. Spiders hide under rocks all the time. I suppose this is as good a place as any to stop for the night.
EM: Ok. Sounds good. So, Lita... however shall we pass the time?
Lita: Hmm. Good question. <To the other racers, as if they could here her from where they are, her being under a rock and all.> All right, kids. That's it for us for tonight. See you tomorrow.
Lita
#333
Mickey: You fools!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Going to sleep while I'm just getting out of Steffi's driveway. You see, Steffi's house is quite out of the way of the race route. So while you all snooze and lose, I'll be in the lead by morning. Thanks, everyone!
Officer Ortega: Errnnn errrrnnnnnn ernnn errrrrnnnnn.
Mickey: I don't care if she lives around here, we can't stop to get the middle kid from Full House's autograph.
(to be continued)
#334
Like a ship in the night (literally)
Date: 09/02/2001
From: BloodFairy
After selecting my beefy Viking crew & loading up, we're off! Had to stop twice to scrape off the burger wrappers,bingo chips & tomatoes from the wheels.Too bad I missed that scene, but Vikings steer by the stars and BloodFairies are nocturnal.
(BONG!BONG!Bong..bong..)
"Hey what-the-hey, Bjorn?!Why are we slowing up?"
"Olath has spied da bright poseys in da road."
"Poseys?"
Longboat comes to complete halt, as burly Vikings skip across the road to gather the remains of FTD bouquets.
#335
"Back to the ship oar else!"
Date: 09/02/2001
From: BloodFairy
BloodFairy produces from the hold, a large keg of mead, threatening it with one pointy talon."It's a race you lefse-fed morons!"
Vikings pile aboard, grumbling & whineing.
BlodFairy surveys crew wearing FTD bouquets in their helmets "Great, now that we look like a Nelson family reunion production of 'Hair', can we go?!"
(BONG! BONG! BONG!BONG!BONG!)
Viking ship cruises along, making resonable, but not firey progress.Then, from the distance, the music of Yes can be heard.Vikings suddenly begin rowing like crazy & banging their heads to the music.The ship bursts foreward, blazing up the road.
"Play da 'Yonga-distance Roundabout'!"
"Ya-hoo, I vanna hear some King Crimson!"
Who knew Vikings loved progressive Rock music?!
#336
<Rimmi spends all night kicking...
Date: 09/02/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
the Teletubbies out of her car and cleaning sloppy joe gunk off the outside of her car. It's been a long night for our intrepid hero! Rimmi continues racing, undaunted and still lusting after Mike. (And no she doesn't want the Italian one! There is only one Mike for her!)>
(Lita, I'm a huge Buffy and Angel fan! And you stole the line about having a lopsided ass from the Buffybot episode where Glory kidnapped Spike because her minions thought Spike was the key! Spike told Glory she had a lopsided ass. I love that episode because the real Buffy kisses Spike at the end! YAY! And don't get me started on Angel! I used to think Angel, Spike and Xander were hotties but not until I saw Lindsey! He is smoldering! Damn! {And don't you dare tell me he's gross because he's a amputee because I always here that when I declare my love. What can I say, I love Krycek from X Files and he was an amputee as well. No I don't have a "thing" for amputees but those two are cute and all the right stuff has not been amputated if you get my drift.} And Cavewoman {As well as Mr. Cavewoman} can tell you that The Host is one of my favorite characters. I'm glad they were able to put his head back on. I was terribly worried about that. If they had't Mr. Cavewoman and I probably would have been picketing Joss Whedon's home. Anyway, yes, I can sense a fellow Buffy watcher a mile away. :̃)
#337
Still sleeping...
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
(Hey Rimmer, the robot episodes are some of my favorite ones. I wasn't too upset when Reiley left (though I was just getting to kind of like him, I thought he was a bit whiney). I thought Buffy should end up with Ben (aka Doctor God), you know, until I found out he was evil. Lindsey is neat, and I think he does a great job at being Angel's evil-lawyer-nemesis-pissed-off-cause-he-doesn't-have-a-hand-guy. Angel got a bit dark for me, for a while. I'm glad things seem to be getting better. And the Host is one of my favorite characters! You should have heard me yelling at the tv when I saw he got his head chopped off. Actually, you probably did hear me. Now, a word about Buffy's little sis? Could anybody be more annoying? I spent the whole season wishing she would die or go away or something, instead of growling at everybody, and what happens? Buffy and her Mom die instead! Gaah! Can't wait for next season!)
Lita
still sleeping
zzzzzzzz
#338
A Mickey Update
Date: 09/02/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Hey everybody, Mickey here. Well, me and teggy were on our way back to the race route, but we ran into a problem. On our way back, we couldn't avoid driving through Branson, Missouri and Ortega insisted (in his own friendly way, of course) we stay for a while. Oh look, the Full House museum. And Bob Saget impersonators. Looks like it's going to take all day to get back to the race. See ya.
No, Ortega, we can't see Andy Williams.
Officer Ortega: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!
Mickey: Okay, okay.
(to be continued)
#339
/a pulls up to the starting line...
Date: 09/02/2001
From: HenryX
In his spiffy "Kitten with a Whip-Mobile", as seen on TV.
Let me tell you about this car's special features:
It is a generic Chrysler sedan from the early 1960's.
It's a V-8, and gets about 10 miles to the gallon.
It seats about twenty, so come on, and bring your juke box money.
There are no seat belts.
It's made entirely of domestic steel, but in a crash would fold up faster than a Maltese man in a bar fight.
The ashtray is the size of the 2000 Kia coupe.
It also has some Speed Racer effects to be named later.
And here's the beauty part, the reason why it is favored by sleazy politicians involved in affairs with unstable young women:
The seats, floors, and trunk are covered in vinyl, so that it's easy to remove all that pesky microscopic hair and fiber evidence.
I just got it because it's a smooth ride.
Well, I'm way behind here, so I'll have to make up some time. Let's see if this thing will do 120.
Nope.
Dammit, who's driving that stupid bus? Get out of the way, motherofallcombovers, you're blocking the road!
#340
Oh Lita, you got me started. Watch out!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
The Buffy Bot was amusing but I could have without seeing her on top of Spike. I think I actually blushed the first time I saw that. And I wasn't upset about Reilly either. I don't think you could have found a more indifferent person about his being there or his departure. Ben was my hope though. He wasn't evil but he did have an evil demon from another dimension sharing his body so Ben couldn't expected to be stable. I will miss him very much and I think I'm in denial about about the whole thing. I can't believe they snuffed out both Ben and Glory that easily. I call foul on that! I liked them both, Glory especially. She was hilarious! And Lindsey had better come back soon but I fear his exit looked permenant. He sort of paved the way for Lilah to be our villain in charge which I don't mind but I thought those two were funny together. They were the perfect comedy relief villain duo. While we're at it, I miss Doyle but I understand the behind the scenes turmoil that made him leave and Wesley now has a place in my heart. So does Gunn. My word on Dawn. She really doesn't bother me. I was hoping she would turn out to be "evil" in some sense but she'd be fully fitted with a human conscience so she could fight her evil instincts. There still is hope for that I guess. Buffy's mom didn't have to die but I guess I can accept it. (The only time I almost cried for Joyce was when 1. Dawn broke down and 2. when Anya broke down in the following episode. More for Anya because I didn't see it coming.) I'm not worried about Buffy because she has to come back or there is no show. And I won't settle for Dawn the Vampire Slayer.
I'm glad Harmony, Darla and Drew and still lurking around. I miss the Mayor, Mr. Trick and a little known vampire named Sunday that shouldn't have been killed off so quick! (Sunday is from Buffy's first episode in college. Sunday didn't deserve to die! She had lots of evil potential especially if she'd teamed up with Spike.)
Okay. I need to stop now or else.
Oh, I need to make this MST3K related. I would love to see Charmed get a right jolly good MSTing. That show SUCKS!!!! It's a Spelling production and the bad acting anf bad writing prove it (although Leo is a cutie!!!! He is the only person on that show that has an ounce of acting ability although the wishy washy script hides it.)
#341
Hey Vikings, play some Crowded House!!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
/a pulls out of the Bob's Big Boy parking lot where he spent the night snoozing and drooling and resting up for another big day of being supercool.
Okay feeb-bashers, let's get feeb-bashing!
/a dumps gallons and gallons of Pabst beer on the road! That stuff's toxic, it should be eating through your tires any minute now.
Eat less filling (tastes great!) death!!
#342
Rimmi, admit it! You LOVE Charmed!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
It's your favoritest show ever ever EVER!! You go on and on and on about it! I bet you have posters of Shannon Doherty lining your bedroom walls. And you have a Charmed lunchbox that you take to school with you. And you call your car the Charmed Cruiser!
Admit it!!!
#343
Oh Schmoe! I HATE CHARMED!!!!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
I hate it! I hate it and you are fritoes to me now! You hear me? Fritoes!
#344
{Wakes up}
Date: 09/02/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Ah yes, a good night's sleep. Time to get back into the race. Sniff-sniff. What's that smell? Beer?
{B_O_G gets out of his van}
What the-MY TIRES!!! They've been eaten away by beer!
#345
Yaaaaaaawwwwn!!!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
I'm up! I'm up! Finally! Where's EM?
<Spidey gets out from under the rock. Lita looks around.>
EM! What are you doing? Why are you licking the road?
EM: Hey! Lita! Somebody spilled a whole bunch of beer over here!
Lita: Mike! Stop that! You're going to get a disease or something. Hey, who's that? He looks familiar.
EM: Oh, you mean this kid over here? I don't know. He's been watching me for the past 15 minutes.
Lita: You've been licking beer off the road for 15 minutes? Never mind. Hey, kid! Come here!
<A 10-year-old blonde kid with a sour expression walks over to Lita. He's carrying a skateboard, wearing a stripey shirt, and sort of patchy pants.>
Kid: Whaddaya want?
Lita: Aren't you Schmoe Don's arch-nemesis, Brat Kid?
Kid: Yeah, whatsittoya?
Lita: I'll give you five bucks if you go talk to him.
Kid: Yeah, ok.
==============================================
<Several minutes later, the kid skateboards up to Schmoe Don's window. Schmoe Don is parked by the side of the road eating an Arby's roast beef sammich.>
Kid: Whatchadoin Mister?
Schmoe: *grunt*
Kid: My mom doesn't like you......
<Lita and Evil Mike zoom by while Schmoe Don and the kid are busy yelling at each other.>
Weeeeee!
Lita
(how can you just kill a god? i mean, hello, god!
#346
<Reubair tears up the road in his
Date: 09/02/2001
From: reubairs_rumble_van
hobgoblin rumble van. Spies Lita and tries to run her off the road. Reubair is living his childhood dream of running a car off the road.>
#347
<Fortunately for Lita...
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
...her car is a giant spider. And a giant spider is an all terrain vehicle if I've ever seen one. Spidey Runs along the side of the road, just keeping up with Reburial. Suddenly, Spidey horks a big 'ol wad of spider mucus across Reburial's windshield. (Spiders have spider mucus, don't they? Well, if they don't, they *should*.) Now Reburial can't see, and his windshield wipers are all gummed up!>
Eat loogied death! Bwa ha ha!
#348
ARRGH!!1 Get away from me, you brat!!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Leave me ALONE!! Hmmph!!
That's just downright mean, Lita. *sniff* Why'd you have to go and do that for? No fair!!
I'm not listening to you, you brat! LalalalalalalaI'mnotlisteninglalalalalalalalalaIcan'thearyoulalalalalalalala!
ARRRRRRRRGH!!
#349
Mickey pulls out in front
Date: 09/02/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
of all the other racers, the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik causes a roadblock.
Mickey (jumps out of the back): Everyone! I've brought presents.
B.O.G.: Don't, this is a trap, just like the tomato thing.
Lita: Yeah. What's your deal?
Mickey: My deal? Millions and millions of dollars. Not the trick from Diabolik where it was all blank paper, you know, the one that didn't work, but good, clean, 100% American money!!! And to show you what a good sport I am, I'm even refunding the tomato money. Except for B.O.G., you owe me $72.81.
Lita: I know, this is that money that makes you all...well, you know what happened to Evil Mike. Touch the money first, Mickey.
(Mickey touches all the money.)
Gramps: Damn. It's clean.
(everybody looks at eachother while Mickey takes off)
Everybody: CLEAN MONEY!!!
Meanwhile...
Mickey (Now well in front of everyone else): Well, Teggy, It's clean sailing from here.
Officer Ortega: Errrrnnnnnn!!!
(Mysterious shadow puts gun against Mickey's head)
Mysterious shadow: Guess who?
Mickey: I give up. Can I have a clue?
(Mysterious shadow moves up to the front)
Mickey: REGISTRATION LADY?!
Officer Ortega: Errrrnnn=ernnnnnn-ERRRRRRNNNNNN!
(to be continued)
#350
Kid, if you don't shut up...
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I'm gonna have your mom and dad arrested and thrown in prison!! YOU GET AWAY FROM MY CAR!!!!
I'm gonna get you for this, Lita!! And your little spider too!
#351
PumaMonkey takes a dump.
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
"Oh look, my little PumaMonkey is all grown up! He doesn't need his Spiderman pullups any longer. Look how he effortessly poops on B O G's Laserblast and AngelODeath.
Hee hee, oh my!! Looks like he's got a bit of the banana runs on Lita and Spidey and Rimmer'sBee vehicles. Oops! Mickey and Schmoe just ran into a patch of the Doo and are skidding all over the place. Looks like Mickey is trailing now.
Ah, what a good boy, PumaMonkey!! Here's a Toaster Strudel for the next round. Got to get you pumped!! Oh blueberry!!
#352
Bank turning in from nowhere...
Date: 09/02/2001
From: MSTzilla
...MSTzilla comes cruising in with Mighty Jack! Begin the capet bombing. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! That's right, look out spidey, look out everyone! If I don't hit you, I'll be leaving plenty of potholes for ya to hit!
Mmmwwwaahahahahaaa!
OH, crap I can't keep this thing straight! Bank turn again.
MSTzilla
#353
Thunderbirds are go!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
As in the bottles of booze.
/a flings bottles of Thunderbird Molotov cocktails at MSTzilla's Mighty Jack ship.
Mighty Jerk is more like it! Hmmph! How dare you make the road all bumpy! You made me spill my milkshake! *sniff* It was a great milkshake too!
#354
Agh! Poo!
Date: 09/02/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Pumamonkey makes a big mess all over Spidey, not to mention all the other racers. And it's pretty disgusting. It turns out to be too much for Spidey, who starts adding to the mess by throwing up all over the track. Inside of Spidey, Evil Mike and Lita are holding on for dear life, as they want to keep from being thrown out with all the half digested Spider Chow, old textbooks, loose change, EM's old Yanni albums, and various forms of Spider Sludge.>
EM: Boy! Spidey's having a lot of digestive problems this race, isn't he?
Lita: Poor thing! Maybe we should look into a change in diet.
EM: Or maybe you should turn off his autonomy.
Lita: Oh, but that would be mean! It's only semi-autonomy as it is. But look at it this way. Maybe this will start the chain vomit, you know? I know I myself can't be around puke without wanting to puke myself.
EM: Then why aren't you puking now?
Lita: Duh, I'm inside Spidey. All the puke is outside, on the track, with all the puma-poo.
EM: Hey, looks like a bunch of the racers were dumb enough to drive with their windows open! And boy do they look mad!
Lita: Yuck. Poor Spidey. He's filthy.
<Lita has Spidey wander off the track for a bit, to look for a late night car-wash.>
Lita: Won't they be surprised to see me!
#355
Oh Man!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: MSTzilla
Those cocktails have ruined my paint, and these decals were really hard to put on! I'll get you...<splap> oh, now what? Who's getting sick down there?! Damn that monkey. Doesn't it know what puke flambae smells like!?
<bank turning to get altitude>
I'm going to get showered in case the Thunderbirds happen to bring that Fab chick with them!
MIGHTY JACK !!!
#356
/a sets a giant Venus flytrap for Lita!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Haha! This'll learn you not to send that snotty kid after me again!
Oh geez, how long does it takes a Venus flytrap to finish off a giant spidey? Days and days?! Oh forget it!
#357
I'M BACK, WEENIES!!!!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: 5738s_Prune_Buggy
<gramps is trying to put on Tammy Faye make-up and his wig while driving and stuffing his bra all at once>
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU HAVE RESURRECTED MY WRATH!
I SHALL DESTROY THAT GOODY-DO-GOODER 9000, AND THAT FAT STINKY SLOB SCHMOE_DON!!! AND EVERYONE ELSE! BUT THEM FIRST! EAT ASPHALT AND DIRT, BUT MAINLY DIRT!!! <gramps drives up next to Schmoe_Don and throws Slim-Fast and Sweatin' To The Oldies in his face>
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FEAR THE BURN!!! NOW FOR THAT 9000! EAT PRUNE-TART, FAKEY FAKERSON!!! <gramps throws sticky prune-filled Pop-Tarts at Spidey, which stick because they are stick-y!>
AND NOW I'VE ROBBED THREE MCDONALDS!!! ROBBLE, ROBBLE!!!!
grandmapa!... or CARMELITA5378?!?!?!?!
1:26 A.M. CST!
LITA IS GREASY!!!
#358
I MEAN 5738!!! <nt>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: 5738s_Prune_Buggy
.
#359
Ortega can't hold it in longer
Date: 09/03/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Officer Ortega: Errrrrrnnnn....Errrrrrnnnnn! (Bleargh! Ortega's vomit hits the street...and everything cleans up? YES!!! Surprisingly, Ortega's vomit has a cleaning effect to it that leaves only a clean race route and the fresh scent of pine. You can all thank me later).
Oh, and I've retaken the lead. It's amazing how fast you can drive with a gun to your head.
(To be continued)
#360
Ew!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
My van is covered with monkey poo! Now I'm going to have to take it to a car wash!
#361
/a throws Happy Meals at everyone!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
And the toy inside? Big honking shards of glass!
Eat death with special sauce!!!!
#362
<wakes up from a dance-induced coma>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
I've been so out of it! Sorry, I didn't read anyone's replies so now I have to start over from scratch!
<jumps back in her van and guns the motor>
Look out, everyone, I'm back in the race!
#363
/a throws Jim Backus at AngelsVanoDeath.
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Watch out!! You don't wanna hurt a poor doddering old man, do you? You're meam!!
Meamie!!
#364
<gramps is peeling off layers of makeup
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
to hide his inevitable secret!>
HEY WOLFIE! I MEAN *ahem* Hey wolfie! Ever wonder how it is to be old?! <reaches over into wolfie's window and gives her a perm and blue hair, but gets stuck when wolfie rolls up the window on him>
Nice *gasp* young'un! *hack* I'll tell *sigh* you a story 'bout *snort* the war *gag* if you let *cough* me out! Pleeeeeeeeeeese???
<gramps's butt is covered in ketchup and McNuggets>
grandmapa!
10:48 A.M. CST!
#365
<Leaving the carwash>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Lita: Huzzah! Spidey is all clean now, and he's had a nice tune-up!
EM: I thought the people working there were jerks. We should have trashed the place.
Lita: Look, minimum wage just doesn't seem quite as worthwhile when a gigantic vomit and poo covered spider is trying to squeeze himself between the brushes in your carwash.
<Suddenly, a bunch of Pop-Tarts fly in through Spidey's window, and land in Evil Mike's lap!>
EM: Hey! Pop-Tarts! I love these things!
Lita: Mike! No! Stop! Don't eat those! Those are prune-flavored Pop-Tarts!
EM: Gah! Really?
Lita: If there's one thing I know about, it's Pop-Tarts.
EM: Thanks, Lita, you saved my life!
<EM throws the Prune Pop-Tarts back out the window. They land in the mouth of Schmoe's Venus Fly Trap, which reels a few times, then drops dead.>
EM: Oops.
Lita: I hope that thing wasn't too expensive. Mike, roll that window back up!
<Spidey runs back into the race, being pelted by Happy Meals.>
#366
Uh-Oh! Look out ladies!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Toblerone has returned from his date with Gumby's Grandma, and he's lookin' for lovin'! You better hope he doesn't see you, you'll have to beat him off with a stick!
Toblerone: I love the ladies, and the ladies love me! HA HA HA!
<Toblerone is swaggering around the track. He looks around and spies wurwolf in her Angel Van, with gramp's cross-dressing behind hanging out the window.>
Toblerone: Ah HA! Two beautiful women to teach in the ways of amore! HA HA HA!
#367
Airfield in Time chasers
Date: 09/03/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<Nick is putting away his plane for the night.>
NICK: HAHA! Im the greatest scientist! I've got this cool plane, a plaid wearing girlfriend, AND IM THE MOST SHAWN MICHEALS LOOKING PERSON EVER! How can anything ruin my high?
VOICE from the shadows: What about me?
<nick turns around. From the shadows, TDO appears>
NICK: Oh! Little blue haired man! Whereever did you come from?
TDO:....Nice Time Machine.
NICK: Uh... thanks
TDO: Ill take it.
<TDO pulls out a hook and guts NICK>
NICK: AAAAAAAGGGGHHH
<nick attempt to get to the plane>
NICK: must... fly... to REvolutionary... war recreation...
TDO: SORRY! Cant let you do that.
<tdo pulls out a huge machette and decapitates Nick.TDO then holds up his head and staples in onto the front of the plane>
TDO: Ah yes! With this plane, ill enter the wacky race and be completely victorious! AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
... But first, must do anything for love....
--to be continued--
#368
<steffi's house>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<steffi is sitting in her house eating oreos, reading Cosmo, and listening to Nena Hagen>
STEFFI: 99 Luftballons! Floating in the Summer sky!
<a sound from the hall>
STEFFI: huh?
<She turns down the music and gets up to investigate>
STEFFI: Who's there?
<she walks down the hall>
STEFFI: Mickey, is that you?
VOICE from behind: YOU WISH!
<turns around to find nothing. Then, TDO cloriforms her and carrys her to his plane, which is now out fitted with spikes, machine guns, and missles>
TDO: ah, my sweet. You dont know how i need you. not only do i have you at last, but your my ace in the whole for dealing with that Gardener! Mickey wont win as long as we're together. He'll crow, he'll fight, he'll fly, AND THEN... HE'LL DIE!!! HA HA, HA HA, HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
--to be continued--
#369
Mickey: Hey, Toblerone!!!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Registration Lady: Oh, no you wouldn't!
(Mickey nods as Toblerone appears in the window)
Mickey: Tobes, why the hell would you want to deal with those two, when I gots a prime cut right here?
Toblerone: You're right, yes? Come with me, you lovely flower. (Takes registration Lady while Mickey cramps her trigger finger)
RL: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Mickey: Oh and Tobes, after you're finished with her, there's another fine looking specimin about 50 miles north of Branson, Missouri and she just turned 18!
Toblerone: Sounds good to me, ha ha ha. And I bet there's lots of lovlies running around in this place you call "Branson", yes?
Mickey: Um, yeah.
RL: HELP ME!!!
Mickey: Oh, fun. And as for you, TDO. I hope you realize that's the second time transport (Eddie already took the first one), the one that was destroyed in the war. It's going to need a lot more work than just spikes and guns and whatnot. That should give Tobes plenty of time to get to Steffi's house. Have fun!!!
(to be continued)
#370
/a throws a bill at Lita!! HMMPH!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
You owe me $1999.99!! Check or money order, if you please. Do you know how long it takes to special order a giant Venus flytrap? Those things don't just grow on things, you know. Or do they?
Still though!! You didn't have to kill McFly (that was his name)!! Goodnight, funnyman, you'll be missed!
Blah to you, Lita!1 And Evil Mike wears women's underwear! So there!! >:õ
#371
{Leaves the car wash}
Date: 09/03/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
I'm back in the race & I am well prepared! My laserblast gun is all powered up & I have plenty of killer ROVER weather balloons!
POW!! POW!!
#372
Ok, let's look at this bill here...
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Lita looks at the bill.>
Lita: $19.99? Ok, I can do that.
EM: Uh, Lita? I don't think that's a decimal point.
<Evil Mike flicks off a sprinkle that had fallen from Schmoe's donut as he passed the bill over>
Lita: Huh? <Looks again> NGYAAAH!
<Lita is so surprised, she loses control of Spidey, who crashes straight into BOG's bright shiny sparkly clean van.>
BOG: <Gets out of the van to argue> Hey! I just had this thing washed!
EM: <Gets out of Spidey to argue> Hey! So did we! Just washed Spidey, I mean!
<BOG and EM start yelling loudly at each other.>
Lita: Huh. You know, in all fairness, I think grandmapa should have to pay for at least half of this. I mean, they were his pruny Pop-Tarts that killed your plant. It's not EM's fault that your plant just happened to be waiting right there to kill us when he threw the Pop-Tarts away (as any rational person would have done).
<Lita looks at grandmapa, who is still stuck in the Angel Van's window, and who is being struck repeatedly by wurwolf's purse.>
Lita: Hmm... He doesn't look like he has much money. He has to wear a second-hand dress, for crying out loud!
<Lita looks at BOG for a moment, then grabs her neck.>
Lita: OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Whiplash!
#373
YOU have whiplash?!?!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: BAND_OF_GYPSYS
I'm the one who has whiplash. You hit me from behind!
#374
I'm a witness! I saw the whole thing!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Lita and Spidey were driving recklessly and dangerously and they slammed into BOG! Over and over again! Repeatedly even!
They were laughing all the way!! Lita's part of an unsavory lot, that one!! Poor BOG, he's the victim here!
Haha!! This is payback for killing my Precious. My Precioussssssssssssssssss.......
(Fellowship of the Rings = EEEEEEEEEK! I'm geeking out!! Whoohoo!)
#375
Schmoe! You big geek!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Yes, even geekier than Lita and I chatting about Buffy. Don't deny it! You're a geek, Geek Boy!
<Rimmi throws first edition comic books towards Geek Gorge and waits for Schmoe to take the siren call...>
#376
NO!! I must save those graphic novels!1!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! They must be returned to their mylar bags as soon as possible!! Don't bend it!!!
I'll get you for this, Rimmer!!
Xena can kick Buffy's ass any day of the week! Nyahnyah!!
#377
<still stuck in the Angel Van's window>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
wurwolf, pleeeeese let me out of this window, from which I am no longer suffocating, for there is no circulation to my brain as of now!
<gramps then notices how he has carelessly left wolfie's perm in too long, causing a massive fire again, and she has fallen asleep in boredom>
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Wakeupwakeupwakeup!!! <kicks his high-heels off his feet and into Lita and B_O_G's noses>
Oh great, and each of those heels was worth NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT DOLLARS each! What lousy luck! Oh yes, there's a fire! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Oh no!!! Some First Edition Geeky Gorge comics have just been fried in wolfie's hair! I hope no one cares!!! Oh yes, THERE'S A FIRE!!! WAKEUPWAKEUPFORCRIPESSAKEWAKEUP!!!!!
grandmapa!
7:00 P.M. CST!
#378
Damnit, they're GRAPHIC NOVELS!!1
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Don't make go all Mr Glass on you, Gramps!!
/a throws baking powder on wurwolf's burning perm!!
Must save those works of art!!
#379
The fire's out but you're still stuck!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
And you'll stay stuck until you learn the difference between a comic and a graphic novel.
/a draws a smiley face on Grampy's hinder! Haha!!
#380
<pulls up in Gumbo's firetruck>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Nydia
Uh oh! These COMIC books could be a serious fire hazzard. <starts to wet them all down with the fire hose>
#381
No! BOG hit me!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
I have a witness too!
<Lita9000 points to Carmelita42>
Lita42: Uh... BOG was driving on the wrong side of the street, and he was drinking, and he was screaming obscenities at children, and then he deliberately drove into 9000's path, and then he ran into her.
Lita9000: Thanks. You can go now.
<42 leaves.>
Lita9000: See? See? It was his fault! Isn't it, EM?
EM: Yes. It was.
Lita9000: So there!
<Lita continues to argue with everybody. Meanwhile, EM manages to rescue and pawn some of the first edition comic books to some shady looking people in filthy overcoats who probably won't even appreciate them, or care for them properly. He returns, and hands Lita 2000 dollars (secretly keeping 2000 for himself).>
Lita: Oh! Thank you! Ok, I'm dropping the suit.
<Lita and EM jump back into Spidey, and speed off, taking the lead while everybody else lags behind to argue.>
Lita: <shouting behind her out the window as EM tries to grab the wheel and keep them from crashing again> BUFFY IS WAAAY BETTER THAN XENA!!! WOULD XENA SEND HER OWN BOYFRIEND TO HELL IN ORDER TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM APOCALYPSE? I THINK NOT! SO THERE!
Lita
#382
Megaweapon is pulling out of the garage
Date: 09/03/2001
From: h_wood
Hold on y'all, I'm comin' to git ya!!!!!!!!!
Just have to get the vehicle on the road first...
h_wood
"Ninjas please report to the Master Ninja set."
Warrior of the Lost World
#383
Question for the racing stewards...
Date: 09/03/2001
From: h_wood
Any chance I could apply the 1,000 miles I put on my actual car this weekend to the Wacky Race? It would reeeeeeeeeally help me out quite a bit as I am lagging somewhat behind everyone else. In addition, I played quite a lot of Gran Turismo 3 while I was away, which also might count as applicable driving time. Let's say 250 miles for arguments sake. Let me know if that's cool ASAP. Thanks.
<Revs Megaweapon up to a whopping 8 mph on his way to the racecourse.>
h_wood
"The high plains loser."
Warrior of the Lost World
#384
Well,
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
it would hardly be fair or fun for you to have to race all by yourself just because everybody else got a few days head start. Megaweapon is pretty slow though. Looks like you're screwed.
<Oh no! Looks like Eddie, in his time travels, sneezed on an ancient species of plant! For some reason, this causes history to change, and h_wood suddenly finds himself about 5 feet ahead of everybody else! Lita's lead has been shattered! Oh, the humanity!>
Poopie! Looks like you have a chance now after all! How annoying for me! :)
Lita
#385
Damn! I hate Edward!!!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Mickey: It's not fair...I had the lead! I HAD THE LEAD (breaks down crying)
(Registration lady re-enters van)
RL: That's a nice little stunt you pulled back there...fortunatly, Eddie erased any of Toblerone's actions.
Mickey: Why don't you just shutup and put that gun back to my head. We're behind!!! Wait a minute, where's Ortega?
(to be continued)
#386
Wait...
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
If Toblerone isn't wooing the Registration Lady anymore, then where is he?
Mysterious Voice Behind Lita: I woo many ladies! HA HA HA!
Lita: GYAAAAAAAAHHHH!
#387
No way! Lita hit BOG first!
Date: 09/03/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
BOG was driving cautiously and within speed limits on his way to deliver a truckload of puppies to a hospital full of sick orphans. When all of a sudden, along comes Lita cursing and talking on two TWO cell phones and littering and blaring John Tesh music as loud as loud can be!!
She was gunning for BOG is what it looked like. You know how these kids are, all hopped up on Mountain Dew and Pez and chainsmoking Parliaments. She's a bad seed, that Lita. She should be sent to Girls Town, that's where she belongs!!
Oh those poor orphans. *sniff*
#388
<tow truck pulls up with rowsdowers car>
Date: 09/03/2001
From: MVH_rowsdower_mobile
<tow truck leaves>ok, I finally made it. I know I probably have the worst car of all, but thats ok. Rowsdower was a very respectable man...
<puts on engine and starts> hahahaha!<tires blow out>agh! I'll catch up! I know it!<gets out of car and starts to walk to a store to buy tires>hmmph.
MVH...(sad that he is such an idiot, and started so late)
#389
/a throws a dollar at Melvin!
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Buy some sensible shoes, Walky McStrollington!!
#390
Unbeknownst to Mickey
Date: 09/04/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Officer Ortega has been transported to Steffi's house, present day.
TDO: What are you doing here???
Officer Ortega: Errrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!! (punches TDO and grabs Steffi)
Steffi: YOU PUT ME DOWN!!!
(Ortega climbs on top of Steffi's garage a la King Kong)
(to be continued)
#391
<on top of Steffi's roof>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
Ortega: ERRRRNNNNNN!!
<huge javlin comes flying out of no where and impales ortega through the chest>
Ortega: aagggh! EERRRRNAAAGH!
<ortega drops steffi and squrims on the ground. TDO appears out of no where.>
TDO: It's amazing what a cloning machine and a well sprung trap can do!
<ortega squrims helplessly. TDO stands over Steffi.>
TDO: Now you see that we need each other.
STEffi: What type of freak are you?!
TDO: Im one of akind!
Steffi: Why are you doing this to me?
TDO: Because of this.
<pulls her head back, looks into her eyes. they share a slow moment gazing into each other's eyes. Then, outkast passionatly kisses her.>
TDO: THATS WHY!
STEFFI:(touching her lips)oh my...
TDO: Come, we must race
Those fools who are racing
will be missing us.
<both hop into the time plane and fly into the race>
--to be continued--
#392
<over Mickey's truck>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: TDOs_TIME_PLANE
MICKEY: Damn! where the hell's Ortega?
<then, a slight winds starts blowing, it evolves into a violent sand storm. Then, a flash of light. TDO's plane soars over Mickey's truck>
TDO: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!!
<steffi sits in the back, still dazed by the kiss>
<The time plane flies in low for another pass. TDO sticks hishead out the window>
TDO: Hey MICKEY! Think your so fine? TRY THIS!
<tdo chucks a tomahawk at Mickey's head, which barely misses him and hits the truck>
TDO: Gotta go! See yah at the finish line!
<tdo's plane flys out of the space time continuum.>
<there is a note attached to the tomahawk. Mickey picks it off and reads it>
Gracious greeting to you Gardener,
A few instructions for the final ends of the race.
The young girl is quite okay, but a little shaken by a few things
which have seemed to trangress
yet i love her and
will see that she is safe from harm from your henchman Ortega.
If you wish to see ortega alive (again) i suggest you stay out of this race.
--your malevolent arch nemisis,
TDO
#393
Mickey: So, Ortega will be...
Date: 09/04/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
killed if I stay in the race? Well, no biggie. And you can have Steffi, TDO. I've seen enough hot nekkid girls on this race to get me through, one clothed babysitter who charged me $72.18 (By the way B.O.G., I guess I owe you some change due to my typo) isn't going to do it for me. I guess Ortega liked her. Well, see you at the finish line, TDO.
Do you know how to drive a motorcycle, Registration Lady?
(RL hits Mickey over the head with her gun)
Mickey: Ow, okay.
(to be continued)
#394
<loud, ominous voice is heard>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Misty_DAS_truck
Voice: Leave the Bronx! You are ordered to leave the--(voice stops)
Everybody else: The hell? (all look in their rear-view mirrors to see the Disinfestation Annhilation Squad truck gaining speed behind them, and Mistyboy is at the wheel!)
Misty: Prepare to leave the lead! (pushes the accelerator hard)
#395
/appears in the road ahead of Mickey.
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM, Sam Casey, and Buffalo are all in the Super Cab of PM's Big Rig. PM is at the wheel, Sam is at the sensors, and Buffalo is in the back, strumming lightly on his guitar.]
[Sam] Wow, far out, Big Daddy. That's groovy how your rig can vanish and appear just like I can!
[PM] I know, Sam. You've told me that like a hundred times already. And Buffalo, keep quiet with that guitar, willya? I need to concentrate on driving, what with all the jiggling tomatoes, traffic-stopping asses, hobgoblins, and Blahs flying around.
[Buffalo] Yeahwhatever,man. I'm gonna git me a glass of pork gravy. [Gets up and goes back to the galley.]
[Sam] It's pretty wild how the cab is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, man. Like Doctor Who and stuff, man!
[PM] Sam, you really need to lay off the weed. Say! That gives me an idea...
[PM flips a switch marked "Smoke Screen", and thick, aromatic smoke starts pouring out the back of the Rig.]
[PM] There. That oughtta make their trip more trippy. And to top it all off...
[PM flips another switch, marked "Decoy #1", and the Rig drops a box off on the side of the road. The box unfolds into a small building with a neon sign that reads "Cupcake's Snack Shop." Another sign blinks beneath it, reading "Get your munchies here".]
[PM] MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!]
[Buffalo, sipping his cup of pork gravy] Man, you're *eeevil*, boss!
[Sam] Whoah, dude, that smoke's not from my stash, is it?
[PM] Relax, Sam. I never touched your stash.
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#396
And as for you, Mistyboy...
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM flips a switch marked "Decoy #2", and another box drops off the side of the road. This box unfolds into a building with a huge marquee which reads "Coming soon: FAME, the Broadway show! Audition HERE ---->".]
[PM] That oughtta slow down any "Escape 2000"-related henchmen Mistyboy might have running around! Sam, how's project B coming along?
[A dais is set up in the back of the Rig with a big gold Aztec mask on it. There is a papier machete monkey head set up to one side of it. Sam is *not* focusing the mask on the monkey head, however; he is instead aiming it at Buffalo.]
[Sam] Sing, cracker-boy! Sing some *real* music!
[Buffalo, in a trance] o/` C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Space Truckin'! o/`
[PM] Cut that out, Sam! We've got business to attend to! Now use the mask on PumaMonkey!
[Sam] You really know how to harsh a man's buzz, Big Daddy!
[Sam turns the mask toward the monkey head. The head begins to wobble...]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#397
<coming out of warp over the race>
Date: 09/04/2001
From: TDOs_TIME_PLANE
< a huge crash of lightning. PM looks up.>
TDO: AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
<TDO flys in low and touchs the ground, still moving fast.>
TDO: There, now im in this race!!
PM: What the?!
<tdo pulls out a machete and slashes out PM's left tires.>
<the plane drives away (not flys) and PM slowly limps to the side of the road>
PM: AHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH shoot!
--to be continued--
#398
Slash my tires, willya?
Date: 09/04/2001
From: PMs_Big_Rig
[PM's Rig rolls to a stop on the side of the road. PM, Sam, and Buffalo all exit the truck to check out the damage.]
[Sam] Bummer, man.
[PM] CURSE YOU, OUTKAST!!!
[Buffalo] Ding-dong-dagnabbit.
[PM snaps his fingers, and a dozen shocktroopers come out and start changing tires. Within two minutes, the Rig is ready to roll again.]
[PM] Okay, hit the overthrusters, and... [a sonic boom rings out.]
[Sam] We're coming up fast behind the Outkast, boss.
[PM] Good. Buffalo, man the catapult turret. Use the ammo from locker #1.
[Buffalo climbs up the narrow well to the catapult turret mounted behind the Rig's windjammer. He opens up locker #1, starts pulling out jugs marked "Tripolodyne", and loads them into the catapult.]
[PM] Fire at will, Buffalo.
[Buffalo] Uhhh, who's Will, boss?
[PM, exasperated.] I mean fire at Outkast!
[Buffalo] Oh yeah! Will do, buckaroo!
[The catapult fires, and the jugs hit TDO's Time Transport! The plane is engulfed in flames!]
[PM] MUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#399
Why are you all picking on me now?
Date: 09/04/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
(Registration Lady acain hits Mickey over the head with her gun)
Mickey: Besides, I got bigger problems, now. My sidekick's gone, she won't let me win, and now there's a wicked witch over the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik writng "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky. Who the hell is Dorothy??? Are you Dorothy???
(Registration Lady hits Mickey over the head with her gun again)
Mickey: TDO, my old arch nemesis, and by the way, what'd I ever do to you, this is your doing, isn't it? Well, hold on Sparky, I got an idea.
(Mickey stops at a used computer store)
(to be continued)
#400
Sorry, Mickey! Someone stuck a...
Date: 09/04/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I heart Mistyboy sticker on your car. No wonder you're getting a beating.
You know who I think it was? That Lita! She's a bad egg, that one. A real rotten apple.
Here, let me get rid of that sticker for you.
/a scrapes the I heart Mistyboy sticker off of Mickey's armored car.
/a replaces it with a I heart Pauly Shore sticker!! Tee hee!!
Wheeeee!!
Back to work!! Later, gators!!
Wacky Races 2: Part 3
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